You've got no future...

0-0 at half time.
And what an awful game. One of the dullest and most tedious matches of the season. But that's what the away goal rule does to a first-leg tie. Still, we kept the clean sheet, and that puts us in the driving seat, contrary to what everyone says. Liverpool can't score an away goal now, but we can. Liverpool need to beat us to go through now, but we don't need to win to reach the final.

Liverpool fans are usually very friendly, and do seem to know what they are talking about. Anfield is the best away ground in the country, and is always a nice place to visit, but their away support seems to be one large crowd of smack-heads dressed up in one-colour shell suits, out on day release from the local spacker house. Watching them in the crowd last night was hilarious. They made the guys in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest look like a local branch of MENSA. Honestly. One group of about 100 Mickeys stood on their seats, scarves tied to their wrists, tongues inserted into their chins, and a sideways glance, dancing about like a burst hose.

Leaving the ground after, wandering past the away entrance was like walking through an autumn park, with leaves substituted for deal bags! This lot obviously have some class. Ahem.

Considering it was a European Cup semi final, the atmosphere matched the performance. A pitiful display to be ashamed of. And any 'supporter' who takes the attitude "Well, the team didn't give us anything to cheer about" should fuck off to Arsenal. That’s not how it works around here, so go and jump on someone else's bandwagon.

A last note about Drogba. The French Emile Heskey. He really is that bad. He doesn't look dangerous on the ball, can't stay onside (how hard can it be to watch the line? Its your job), and has the first touch of a brick wall. For £24m we should at least get someone who can shoot, or even pass. If they put pockets in the players' shorts, that boy's hands would be firmly stuck in them on the field. Not good enough.

The Mickeys delighted in singing the old classic "You've got no history" to us. The response of "You've got no future" saw heads turn back towards the floor, another half kilo of coke disappear up noses and a bit more shuffling around. See you at Anfield.

Girls night out

Rio and Jody. Jody and Rio. One is a purse-lipped pony who is meant to be playing for Manure, the girlfriend is a 2 foot 4 inch Chelsea reject, who is barely good enough for Millwall.

Jody Morris was never further than his insignificant height away from trouble. You always knew his name would come up as soon as any news report mentioned fight and footballer. He always thought he was much better than he was. Simply, a headless chicken, runs around, gets booked, gobs off a lot, and generally does not a lot with his serious lack of talent. You think I've just described Robbie Savage...Imagine the same player half the size! He does have a good bottle hand though, and doesn't miss when he is trying to stamp on your head from 6 inches.

It was a joyous day when the cretin was forced out of Chelsea. Sacked. Tried to go to Cardiff...couldn't get in. Dirty Leeds took him, to join up with fellow criminals Bowyer and Woodgate. He's since moved onto Millwall, where he will spend a bit of time before moving on to one of the HMP teams in the UK.

So anyway, it appears today these two girls had been out in Hampstead (yep - probably on their way to the heath for a bit of each other in the bushes) when they got into yet another altercation with a photographer. Face it Rio, if you are meant to be one of the best defenders in the world, you are going to get your photo taken when you go out dancing around your handbag, at 3am...

What a good job Jody was there to dive in and allegedly threaten to stamp on the guys head. Hard words from such a fairy. What were you going to do after you'd stamped on his head?
Ken Bates warned him when he was younger that he needed to spend less time in McDonalds if he wanted to make it. On the contrary...he better get down there and get him mum to help him fill in the application form. It's about him level.

Hold onto your wallets

The Scousers are in town. It's Chelsea v Liverpool tonight in the Champions League semi final first leg.

The Mickeys have been very good in Europe this season, but as last year proved, a European tie between two English clubs will be played out like a Premiership game, not its slower continental cousin, so with any luck, the jobless crew from Merseyside will be coming down to watch a display more akin to their recent Premiership encounters. Liverpool lost to Palace at the weekend, and are currently fighting for 5th place with Bolton, who we play this weekend.

Hopefully, Robben will be able to play at least one half of the match, and although knackered, Duff is more effective and doesn't have as much work to do when he is on the field with Arjen.

It's important to get a good result tonight, while we're at home. A clean sheet would be a fine prize...

We were there when...

...Totnum failed!

Yes, final score 1-0 to Arsenal. As noted previously, I didn't really want to win the title on a Monday night when we weren't even playing. After so many years, and so many games attended, it would feel something of an anti-climax. Everyone has dreamed of winning the league, the moment when it happens, the feelings inside...and I don't expect any of us has a mental picture of it being when two rivals are playing each other while we're watching in the pub!

So for this, I am pleased that Arsenal won. It's now in our own hands, and a trip to Bolton this weekend could see us collect the ultimate prize.

Ace Skydiving!

If you're looking for somewhere to do a tandem skydive, AFF course, formation coaching or need any other skydiving information, check out Ace Skydiving

Mike Gorman is a superb instructor who I have jumped with a few times, and cannot recommend highly enough.

Have a look at his web site and contact him if you want to join the world of skydiving!

Maybe today...

Tonight, Totnum take the short trip across the barren shithole that is North London, to visit neighbours Arsenal at the borough-famous Library.

Arsenal need to win. A draw won't do them, they have to dispose of Totnum tonight to keep alive the ridiculously slim chance they have of catching us. So by nightfall, we could be Champions.

Fulham came to the Bridge on Saturday. These are the Foolham fans who despise us so intently, which always creates much amusement in the stands. Who are they anyway?

Hilariously, they were rubbing their fingers at us, in some strange gesture which supposedly intimated that we had bought our way to the title. This, coming from a bunch of supporters ("Oh, I've always supported Fulham" Yeah, when they had gates of 300 a week only a few years ago, where were you eh?) who follow a club pulled out of oblivion by a crooked Egyptian thief, with no passport, who pumped over 100 million quid in, in his quest to make them the "Manchester United of the South". A small team in Putney is all you are...

Anyway, they were readily disposed of after Lord Percy had let his immense Wednesday night performance go to his head and allow the ridiculously titled Collins John score just before the break, to level with Joe Cole's super strike.

The second half saw the long-awaited return of Arjen Robben, and his conjuring helped break them down and Lampard took his chance well to put us in the lead, only for Gudjohnsen to add another later and finish them off 3-1.

Three English scorers on St George's Day too...Well, Eidur is practically English.

Finally, on the subject of English heroes, John Terry deservedly picked up the PFA Player of the Year award last night. Congratulations to him because he really deserves it and its superb to see a defender win it. It's been a decade since the award was given to someone at the back.

Wayne Rooney got the PFA Young Footballer of the Year award. What for? Perhaps best wife-beating, granny-shagging, lard-arsed Neanderthal would be more appropriate.

You're not Champions anymore

Final score 0-0 after a very tense 90 minutes and a very good game.

The game plan was obvious, we didn't need to win the game, but they did. They had to attack, so we'd be patient and counter attack when the time came, but they just never seemed to try. Pires smashed a wildly dipping shot onto the crossbar in the 3rd minute, and the only other notable chance they got was when the same player dragged it wide from 8 yards just before half time.

We had a couple of opportunities to win the game, but a draw was certainly a fair result.

Apparently, some Arsenal fans turned up at Stamford Bridge, but we couldn't be certain. They could only be identified by their silence, as per usual.

The build-up to the match was rather a damp squib. Wenger and his invisibles said what they were meant to say, but no-one believed it. Arsene tried to convince the world that he really believed they could still win the title, but his body language told the real story.

Lauren and 'The Spanish Pikey who wants to play for Real' gobbed off a bit about how we were a poor negative team etc. With a goal difference of +50 it's a bit of a feeble argument, but just to make the point, I'll include these stats:

Stats prove Chelsea are more attacking than the Arsenal side that won the 2003-04 Premiership title.
This term, Chelsea have averaged 13.8 shots per game, compared to Arsenal's 11.7 last term.
Chelsea score 1.94 goals per game - last season Arsenal averaged 1.92.
And the Blues currently have a 78 per cent win-rate compared to Arsenal's 68 per cent last term.

Mind you, I wouldn't expect those two to be able to read, let alone understand that anyway.

So we can't win it against Fulham on Saturday now, 50 years to the day we last won the title, and on St Georges Day. The piss take about this, is that Totnum play the Arse on Monday night. The fixture has been moved by $ky for the TV punters again. So we could be in the slightly unfortunate position of winning the title while we're all at home. Who cares though?!

That of course assumes Totnum can get something out of the game against Arsenal. Spare a thought for the Totnum fans...they hate us both, so which result would they prefer?!

Almost PSP time...

It's nearly time. Again...

Sony have done their usual trick, as they do with everything, of releasing to the UK a year after everywhere else, after opening the box, taking out everything they can get away with, and doubling the price!

Last release date was 29th April. It's now the 20th May. Come on Sony! Sort it out!

My mate has gone for a grey import, and his thoughts on it will no doubt be posted up on his excellent technology and gadget blog! http://maingi.com/blog
Definitely check it out, and visit it when you vist this one!

Visit from the arse

The Gooners are coming over from the Library tonight, to fight it out in a proper 6-pointer.

The thing is, our record against them in the Premiership is awful, so we're not confident of a win. Not that it matters much, even if they win, they are only delaying the inevitable so the pressure is not on as much as it appears to be on Wenger.

He's spoken a lot this season, not that anyone listens anymore. The build up to this game has seen the very same pre-match garbage that precedes every Arse game..."Henry is injured, Pires is injured, Llungberg is injured, Cole is injured, Vieira is injured, they will not play." Yeah, ok Arsene, we believe you. Yawn.

Cup Final Showdown

This weekend saw the FA Cup Semi finals decide which two teams would fight it out for the trophy in May.
Joyfully, Man Utd and Arsenal overcame their respective hurdles and will now meet each other in what will be a superb, fascinating final, both battling to win the one consolation prize left of the season.

Of course, both Fergie and Wenger will now wax lyrical about the importance of the FA Cup (Yes, Fergie who pulled out of this cup just a few years back) and how it is a much bigger prize than the Premiership or the Champions League, but of course we know the truth.

More importantly, one of the two clubs will be left with absolutely nothing this season. That should at least provide some entertainment for the rest of us on the day.

The reality of the situation is really a treat for anyone who doesn't support either of the two red clubs. All season we've heard Fergie gobbing off about experience, and how Chelsea won't last the pace. In September he said we'd lose it by Christmas. At Christmas he said we'd lose it when we had to go oop narf. When we came out of that on top, he said it only mattered who was on top at Easter. Silence at Easter, from the Manc camp of course.

Wenger has also been full of advice for Jose. Cheers Arsene. I'm sure Jose will really make use of your wisdom when it comes to your fantastic record in European football, plus your catalogue of back to back titles.

Enjoy the game you two. And get used to fighting it out for the left-overs.

Bay Bay Bayern...

In the last few minutes of the away leg in the Olympic Stadium, we managed to turn a 2-1 win into a 3-2 loss. No problem, aggregate score 6-5 to us.
For a moment, I had hoped we could reach the summit of European achievement next to Narridge, and emulate the Canaries' win, being only the second team to beat Bayern on their turf. Alas, no joy!

That's a second semi-final appearance in two seasons. The Scousers managed to stick Juve out last night too, so it's an all-English semi final, and a guaranteed place in the final in Istanbul for an English club.

So for the second year running, we're heading off on a European trip, on home soil. The Anfield trip will be a good one.

The Germans were tremendous hosts again, as they always are. In the week where crowd trouble has again been highlighted in Italy, it was refreshing to see an English team and a German team meet together in a stadium with no segregation and have a great time. The atmosphere was superb and the game was full of action. Even the referee had a decent game.

We get a week now to rest and get everyone fit again for the visit of The Arse next Wednesday. They have an FA Cup semi this weekend against Blackburn, so lets hope Hughes adopts his favourite strategy of kicking lumps out of the opposition again!

2 More wins...

We only drew against Birmingham, and in fairness, we almost didn't even manage that. The first half was a dismal performance that had us snoring loudly enough to be heard on Match of the Day. Birmingham, quite normally, had 10 men behind the ball everytime we got control, and the referee was hardly top drawer. We discussed Chris Foy, and we decided that he is the referee we have when we always ask "Who is this guy again?"

The plan was to win the next three home games to win the title at Stamford Bridge. We blew that at the first attempt. Things changed though when Man Utd played bottom of the table Narridge City in the evening fixture. The mighty Canaries battered United 2-0 and everything was back on.

We play Arsenal next week, and if we can beat them, we can lift the title at home by beating Fulham on St Georges Day, 50 years to the day since we last won it by beating Sheffield Wednesday 3-0 at The Bridge. If we fail to beat Arsenal though, we won't be able to win it by beating Fulham, so the Arsenal game is very important.

Back to the Champions League tomorrow evening, with a trip to Munich. This should be a good trip.

One final word for our friends in Barcelona who, lets remind ourselves, said English football was of such a poor standard that no English team would go through to the quarter finals. Well, not only did all Spanish teams fall at that particular hurdle, but a 4-2 defeat to La Liga title rivals Real Madrid at the weekend was orchestrated by the England captain David Beckham. Michael Owen also scored.

Ballacks to you Jerry!

Chelsea 4-2 Bryan Munch. Certainly a score to be pleased with, until you realise it was 4-1 before Ballack cheated the enormous 18 stone clog-wearing lard-arse in the middle into giving him a penalty in injury time. In the final minute, the referee also decided not to stop play when two balls were on the pitch together only feet apart, but did give a very dubious free-kick, which was taken a mile from where it was awarded, which led to the incident in the box where Michael Bollock did his impression of a Barnes Wallis bouncing bomb.

Still, Jerry won't be happy. They won't stop us scoring out there, and they had nothing at all in the locker last night. We could easily have scored 5 or 6. In fact, we should have. If the ball hadn't bobbled when the Duffer was one-on-one, or if Drogba was able to finish.

Bryan on the other hand offered a very blunt attack, albeit without Makaay, and not much else to back it up. If the lard-arse in the middle with the spring-loaded arm hadn't given them constant free-kicks on the edge of the box, you'd have been hard pressed to even realise they had turned up.

A very typical European refereeing performance from Fat Boy Rene Temmink. 6 yellow cards issued in a game that wasn't remotely dirty. Just remember Temmink, your dad used to have a push bike!

The Jerry fans, who are always good value, gave a good rendition of "It's coming home" when they equalised. Strangely, it was the last we heard of them for the rest of the night!

Superb to see Forssell make an appearance. Lets hope that continues.

Brum this weekend, and back to the normal business of trying to win the only competition that actually matters.

Eddie Barnett: Imbecile

AGAIN and again and again, The Chelsea box office manage to make the simplest tasks appear an impossibility. Eddie, the northern buffoon that runs it moans about nobody realising how hard it is to sell tickets, the hapless Jax posts statements on the website that are ambiguous in the extreme, with an 8-year old's grasp of the English language.
The fact is, every other club manages, and cinemas and arenas the world over sell more tickets, more often to more people than Eddie has to, without the trouble.

This time, 6 days before we play Bayern Munich, in Munich, they decide anyone wanting their ticket needs to jump up from their desk, leave their place of work and rush to the box office to purchase one. And you only have until 4pm tomorrow to get it! Superb. Very nice for the people who don't live around the corner, or anyone who dosn't have the ability to drop what they're doing and run off to the box office whenever they feel like it.

When you get there, you also get the pleasure of being told to "like it or fuck it" by Eddie. What a nice guy.

Sort yourselves out Chelsea. It is NOT a difficult job. So stop making it one.

3 more wins...

A trip to St Mary's in the Saturday evening slot this weekend, after watching Mark Hughes' (Always shit on the Welsh side of the bridge....la la, la la la la la la)Blackburn take 2 points at Old Trafford meant a win would see us require just three more wins from the remaining seven games this season.

Although Southampton adopt a position in the table at the moment akin to their position on the map, the fixture was no guarantee of points. They have only lost twice at home this season, and Harry's teams are always difficult to play against, especially for the bigger teams. They do try to play football though, which does help.

Boris' position in the middle of the park was rewarded with two goals for him, and another deflection in a week for Frank to open the scoring. Saints had made it 2-1 before we finished it at 3-1. So three more wins it is, assuming Arsenal who are now in second and Man Utd don't drop any more points.

The award for "IQ less of that of an average American" goes jointly this week to Lee Bowyer and Keiron Dyer. Both idiotic cretins of the highest order, and despite Dyer's apparent innocence this weekend, he's still shit, so deserves the joint accolade. Fighting between team-mates, when you're already down to ten men is hilarious. When your name is Lee Bowyer, its even funnier, especially when Souness is the boss.

Bowyer evidently couldn't give a toss, and the press conference after highlighted this. Mind you, why would he? He's done a lot worse! Looks like another one on the Summer train to Glasgow!

Further reading

My mate has entered the world of babbling to the crazed nutters that reside on Tinternet now too. Check out his jabber.

http://milanber.blogspot.com

Guilty (ish)

At last, the punishment has arrived from Uefa.
A 33 grand fine for Chelsea, and a 9 grand fine for Jose, plus a 2-game touchline ban.

So, for less than 50 grand, and a couple of comfy seats, we managed to get rid of Anders Frisk! A right result, cheap at half the price!

The press won't be happy of course. A fine wasn't quite what they wanted. A 100-year European ban, demolition of Stamford Bridge and burning at the stake of all players and management was their wish. Never mind boys.

Owen goal

Played 2 won 2 this week for Ingerlern. Excellent performances by all Chelsea players, particuarly Joe Cole.

The hapless Owen got his name on the score sheet, stealing in on a Lampard chance. Owen also claimed a goal which TV replays showed he never even got close to! Pathetic... The worrying thing is, he's out of Madrid this Summer, and we're in the market for a striker. Please, Roman, Adriano, not Owen...

The joke of the situation with international managers continues. We've been without Robben for weeks. We nurse him back to semi-fitness and give him only 20 minutes of action. The Dutch team didn't want to be without him so for short term gain, played him. 10 minutes in, off he comes, injured. Thanks a bunch.