Chelsea 1-0 Murderers

Burglary rates soared in the Capital last night, as the thieving Giro-wielders entered town for the first leg of the Champions League semi final.

They use their pathetic squeaky voices to break windows, then enter, and remove your stuff. Beware.

We should have had 3 in the first half, but Joey Cole put us ahead after superb work from Drogba. Their only chance came from a dipping "Stevie-G" shot, which Big Pete got down well to save.

So now we can count ourselves lucky, that we get to participate in "one of those glorious Anfield European nights". Yawn. If we score one, the thieves need three. The objective last night was not to concede an away goal, and we achieved that.

The difference between tonight and 05, is that this time, the Bin Dippers will actually have to get the ball to cross the line to win...

Blown it

Yesterday, beating a shitty Newcastle side, would have put us a single point behind the Mancs. Demolishing the gap from 12 points down to 1, would have been enough to see them fall apart, but after their draw against Boro on Saturday, our failure to capitalise will give them renewed energy to go on and win the title.

If we had been just the point behind, or even 2, had the ref not bottled it and awarded Boro the blatant penalty in the final minute in Manchester, we'd still be able to go ahead if we beat them at our place on May 9th, but even doing that won't be enough due to goal difference, unless other results go our way.

They slipped up, we couldn't score against a shower of shit. It isn't our year for the title, and we don't really deserve it if we can't beat a bunch of no-hopers managed by Roeder...

Jose Mouri-No Go

So the club have finally come out and publicly stated they will not be sacking the best manager in the world. The reason they didn't release a statement before, is because only a fucking idiot would imagine they would do so, which means every sports hack out there in the UK rag trade, is a fucking idiot. Stands to reason.

For two years, every day, one or more of the pathetic excuses for journalism in this country have carried some diatribe about the club sacking the manager and replacing him with anyone from Bob the Builder, Mary Poppins, Po from Teletubbies or Wayne Rooney. Obviously, over the last few years, the level of imagination required to make this shit up, has been reduced to rock-bottom levels.

According to them, Roman Abramovich doesn't really like Jose, so he'll sack him. This is the same Roman Abramovich who has made billions in business, presumably by being fairly intelligent, and not making decisions based on who he wants to have around for dinner at the weekend.

He wants to build the biggest, most successful football club in the World. To do this, he needs the best people to do it. That includes the best manager. He admits he isn't able to do this personally, so employs Peter Kenyon to do it for him. Peter Kenyon is a brand man, and the biggest brand in football right now, is Jose Mourinho. Peter Kenyon would be off his rocker to sack Jose, managerial ability aside, and any hack who thinks they would, to replace him with Mark Hughes or Jurgen Fucking Klinsmann needs to increase their daily dosage.

So will this announcement stop the aforementioned fucking idiots coming out on tomorrows back pages with 'Jose is being sacked' stories? Absolutely not, you could bet your house on the fact someone will still write it tomorrow, simply because they have been making it up for the last two years, and why would they change now. Besides, they'd have to write about something else, and that itself poses a serious problem for most of them.

Battered Spam

A "tricky" trip to Upton Park last night to take on the Wet Spam resulted in a battering. 4-1 final score with rare Shaun Wright-Phillips performance, resulting in a great double from him.

A great performance in the middle of a tough period of games, coming every few days.

We're going to Wembley!

We did it! The biggest prize in football this season, for fans. A trip to the first FA Cup Final at the new Wembley stadium.

Make no mistake, we really wanted this. We were at the last FA Cup Final at the old Wembley, and we wanted to be at the first in the new one.

So we've set up yet another meeting with the Mancs that week.

We slaughtered Blackburn at Old Trafford in the first half yesterday, but they controlled the second half, and should have scored more than their equaliser. As it was, we took it to them in extra time, and our knackered players took us to Wembley with ten minutes remaining.

At least the Blackburn fans didn't have far to go. They'd have been home by the time we were getting out of the car parks, with a 250 mile journey in front of us, on a Sunday evening, back into London. Thanks FA. Again, the travelling supporter is fucked over so that the neutrals can eat their Sunday lunch, and fall onto the sofa for a bit of FA Cup action afterwards.

Well, it will be the opposite from next season, when northern teams will have to traipse all the way to Wembley to play their semi finals, which in itself is ridiculous, to cheapen the final and the fans' big day out by making them do it a fortnight before. I suppose they have to pay the bill somehow though.

The Bison is Back!

Michael Essien has been a monster this season. Drogba has been a goal machine, approaching 30 so far, and still in the eyes of many, Essien will win Chelsea player of the year. Last night away in Valencia will have done his cause no harm!

After a period of injury and doubts over whether he'd be fit enough to appear, he stated that he would play, and play he did! In the final minute of injury time, he collected a square pass from Shevchenko and flew down the right edge of the penalty area like a steam train, firing his shot on the run at the near-post of the superb Canizares, to score the winner and put Valencia out.

This is a very difficult place to go, and they have a fantastic home record, but we like to bust European teams' records, and last night Essien made sure we'd make our third CL semi-final.

The perpetual scumbag, Morientes had put them ahead in the first half, and we looked pretty ropey. They almost scored again a minute later, but Ashley Cole did amazingly well to catch the ball just off the line between his thighs!
Morientes also smashed the ball off the upright a couple of minutes before he scored.

The second half saw a different Chelsea team. We've so often played completely different halves, and this game was no exception. We equalised early on through Shevchenko, and amazingly, this was the first goal Valencia had conceded in this season's competition from open play. The only other goal was a Totti penalty for Roma!

We thought we'd blown it when Canizares pulled off two incredible saves. Both of them were worthy of historic references. You see these sort of saves on those nights when it just doesn't go your way, but then, on those nights, you don't have The Bison to smash your way into the next round!